


You’re falling now. You’re swimming. (This is not harmless. You are not breathing.)

by Onecrazyfangirl



Category: Campaign (Podcast)
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Panic, breakdowns, dref lives au, everyone has a breaking point! they all reach theirs now sorry!, rated t for swearing which is not a lot but just to be sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:15:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28194561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onecrazyfangirl/pseuds/Onecrazyfangirl
Summary: then you will fall to the floor crying. And then, however much later, it is finally happening to you: you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “I am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize you didn’t paint it very well.~Richard SikenIn a different universe where Dref survives Tiberius' attack in Burza Nyth. Everyone is having a hard time processing, hopefully this time they have eachother.
Relationships: Gable & Jonnit Kessler & Travis Matagot & Dref Wormwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	You’re falling now. You’re swimming. (This is not harmless. You are not breathing.)

**Author's Note:**

> found family time! 
> 
> thanks (again!) to Rowan (DrowningInStarlight) for proof reading <333

Travis was having a bad day. That wasn’t too weird, considering they had just gotten out of Burza Nyth, Dref had been in a critical condition for weeks and they had only just managed to stop the Mariner. They all were having odd days: processing, repressing or whatever.

Still. Gable had known Travis for a long time, too long, and his bad days generally consisted of getting angrier and more venomous than normal.

Gable usually didn’t even notice, just got hurt and bit back, generally they left him too it, not willing to deal with him. Until they thought back on it; a day or even months later, realising this was Travis’ only coping mechanism. They added all the times they had hurt him in retaliation to the enormous pile of guilt they already carried, and kept going.

Travis being hurtful on purpose was at the very least familiar by now, almost comforting. But today Travis was silent, distant, only doing motions on auto pilot. Which was acutely distressing, even to the crew who didn’t know him like they did.

Gable might have been able to deal with just Travis, but Jonnit had the look of someone who hadn’t slept in a while, and a quiet nervous energy. Dref was still recovering from Tiberius’ attack and pushing himself to get back to work.

Gable might have been able to deal with all of it if they didn’t dream of Hildred’s fear after she had found out what they had done, if they didn’t feel like they had inexplicably failed everyone around them. If it didn’t feel like everything was falling apart and they were going to lose everyone. Again. 

They were all sitting in Dref’s office. Dref was writing something, but Gable got the impression he was only writing for the pretence of having something to do.

Jonnit was sitting on his desk next to him, talking about small traditions he had as a child. Clearly he was trying really hard to cheer everyone up. Gable’s heart ached, he shouldn’t be responsible for holding them all together, and yet they knew his familiar chatter about what cake his mom would make him for his birthday was probably the only thing keeping them going. 

Travis was sitting on a cabinet and not interrupting Jonnit at all. In fact, he seemed to be staring at a fixed point on the wall. Of course, he might just be bored of the conversation, but if this was the case then he usually just left.

They were all hanging on a small thread, teetering on the edge of something. 

“Your mom sounds like she is the best, Jonnit,” Gable commented, hoping to join in lightening the mood.

They felt the awful pang of guilt as Jonnit started tearing up.

“Yeah,” he said, “She was.”

There was a deafening silence. Dref looked at Jonnit like he wanted to help, but didn’t know how. 

Gable felt anger flare up in them, anger at the way the world always seemed so unjust to the people they loved. They were so acutely aware of how young Jonnit was, how he deserved everything to be nice and safe. And how they couldn’t give any of that to him. 

They gathered their boy up in their arms, hoisting him onto the chair they were sitting in. Jonnit clung back, he was clearly crying now. Not quite sobbing, just like the tears were falling despite himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said, attempting to wipe his tears, but they just wouldn’t stop. “I’ve just been thinking about her lately, her and my dad and Zana, but at least I’ll see them again and she is just‒” 

He choked on his own sob and Gable held him tighter, desperate.

“You d‒ on’t need to ap‒ apologize,” Dref said, hovering over them, unsure. “It is only l‒ logical you would f‒ feel this way.”

Travis was holding the side of the cabinet so tightly his knuckles had turned white. Still turned away from them.

“Travis?” Gable tried, tentatively.

Travis turned around, his eyes red and puffy, visibly shaking. “I am fine,” he snapped. 

Dref flinched at the tone in his voice. Jonnit pressed his face into their chest.

It was too much, just too much. It felt like falling, or even worse, like drowning.

-

Travis fucking hated dissociation.

If there was something he was familiar with, it was feeling like a stranger in his own body. Distantly, he remembers years ago, when dissociation had been a welcome relief to not feel like he existed when his father had still been around.

The newer fear he had acquired around not being in control, combined with the fact that it always brought him back to his _brilliant childhood,_ meant that now it just sent him into a panic, which in turn made the unreality worse.

The worst goddamned cycle he was trapped in. 

He was aware he was crying, in the sense that logically, he knew he was crying, but he couldn’t feel the tears roll down his face. He saw them fall into his lap like he was looking through the eyes of another man.

In that same way he could see Gable looking at him worriedly, Dref was now pressed into their side, not quite hugging but holding their hand, clearly upset. Of course he’d gotten hurt, he should know by now that that’s the only thing Travis knows how to do. Get people hurt.

Travis couldn’t talk, or perhaps he could? Did he not want to? He only knew that trying more than simple sentences would make him cry more and he really didn’t want that. He wanted to leave so badly and he just couldn’t. 

Gable was holding onto Dref and Jonnit, and they looked so lost, barely holding it together. Travis had to leave them. He would. But Jonnit had hit a nerve ‒ why did people always hit his nerves ‒ and all he could think of was his mother, weak and feeble in bed, and the sound of his father’s angry shouting.

_Don’t leave me._ William had said to her and then there was a river, and he was shouting louder and he couldn’t save her either.

He wanted his outbursts to be dramatic. It would make sense, screaming and ugly panic, but instead he stared into a corner and cried. He was trying so hard not to, but despite that he couldn’t stop it. 

He felt like he was looking onto himself, like a spectator of his own life. How pathetic the picture was, with his friends he didn't deserve sitting across from him, not knowing what to do and him weeping, helpless, like it had always been.

It was _brilliant_ really fucking _brilliant_

‒

Jonnit was known for being optimistic, but even he didn’t really know what to do with the current situation.

They had all been worried about Dref for weeks now. He’d finally woken up just a little after they took off from Burza Nyth, but the lack of sleep and constant stress had worn on all of them.

Partially because of that, probably, the anniversary of his mother’s death had hit him harder than it had in years. Usually he would have Zana and his dad, and they would cook her favorite food and share memories, like a bittersweet celebration. In hindsight, talking about it to someone, anyone, might have helped, but he’d known everyone was already feeling pretty bad. No need to saddle them with his feelings too.

It felt weird to even be upset about it, with everything that had happened, with the Mariner lurking and Dref being hunted by whatever the cutting stone was. But as much as he loved all his friends, he missed her, and he missed his family and his home. 

Everyone had been quietly feeling awful, and it just so happened that they all had reached their breaking point now.

Gable was holding onto him like he might disappear, or run away. Dref still looked pale and sickly, now with added helplessness. Travis looked worse than Jonnit had even seen him, and he had seen Travis almost bleed to death. He was painfully aware of how small he was, how even with all his power, this is something he couldn’t solve. His friends had gone through so much pain he didn’t understand, and he so desperately wanted to help them.

But really, he was still just a child, and he too had been swallowed in the sea of problems, just like everyone else had. So he just clung to Gable, and then Dref took one of his hands, and they held each other, like a liferaft in a flood.

-

Dref was trying really hard to do breathing exercises. He was painfully aware of everyone's present distress, which is precisely why he had to calm himself down first. It was difficult, with two shaking hands in his hands and Travis’ awful sobbing in the background, with Tiberius' voice lingering, with the sharp pain still in his body.

_Always thinking you can help everyone, Alisdair._

Another deep breath, hold it, exhale. Exercises like this helped, but it always felt like giving up when he needed them again.

_ Pathetic.  _

No. He was stronger than the ingrained memories and thoughts. His friends needed him.

He closed his eyes, felt the pressure of everything, adjusted his grip on the hands he was holding and took yet another deep breath. It was like fighting against a strong current, but a few more breaths and he felt more in control.

He let go of Gable and Jonnit, giving them a shaky but reassuring smile. They were both still wrecked, but it was okay, he needed to maintain his calm.

He went over to Travis.

“T‒  ravis,” he said, very carefully putting a hand on Travis’ hand, “C ‒  an you h ‒ h ear me?”

Travis’ eyes focused on him, he nodded. 

“C ‒ can I help?” 

He shrugged and shook his head.  _ I don’t know. _

Gently, Dref coaxed him to stop hurting himself by holding on so tightly, at least, and helped him off the cabinet. Then, he started to push his desk to one side. Jonnit and Gable quickly caught on and stood up silently to help him move it. He had a couple of blankets lying around in the office. They had been for if he fell asleep working late, and now they were to keep him warm as he recuperated. 

Together they haphazardly laid them out, and in a few moments they had something that vaguely resembled a nest. Gable and Jonnit flopped onto it, Jonnit still safe in their lap, and Dref sat close next to Gable. He didn’t like tight embraces, so instead he held their hand.

Travis placed himself at the other side of them. Gable cautiously put one of their arms around him. He looked as limp as a rag doll, but he leaned into the touch a little, and didn’t seem quite so acutely distressed. Jonnit started humming softly, Dref rocked a little, and slowly they all calmed down together.

Gable was the first to break the precious silence.

“Thank you,” they said to Dref.

“Yeah,” Jonnit said. He looked tired but otherwise alright. “We really needed someone to pull us out of this one.”

“A‒ anytime,” Dref said, and he smiled, knowing they could get through anything, together.

Gable turned to Travis. “How are you holding up?”

Travis was still tucked into their side, looking mostly like an annoyed cat. 

“I will say I have seen better days,” he said, “But overall this still doesn’t make the top ten worst days, so.” He shrugged.

The rest of them shared a look, but they all knew this was probably as close as Travis would ever get to admitting he was feeling something.

“We probably should talk about....well you know, stuff,” Jonnit said, gesturing vaguely. “That's what people always say, right?”

Gable actively winced, Travis groaned and Dref also felt a familiar twinge of apprehension. 

Maybe they could all use some professional help. Dref filed that away as an idea for later.

-

They all went around and talked. Most of them were still clearly skirting around some topics, but that was okay. They were trying at least.

Travis barely said anything, but he still felt better hearing for everyone's voices, feeling the familiar weight of Gable around him. He looked around at them all. He could feel how much he cared about these people in his chest, and he decided not to pay attention to how afraid that made him. At least, not today. And he would never admit it, especially not to Gable.

-

Jonnit felt lighter after talking, even if he couldn’t fully verbalize his feelings about everything. He could only vaguely explain the feeling of duty, his desire to fix everything.

“T‒ that should n‒ not be your r‒ responsibility, Jonnit.” 

Gable added quickly, “We are here to help you. We’re in this together.”

And at that he cried again, but this time it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders.

-

Gable knew there was nothing that could fix the guilt they had carried around for so many years in one single afternoon. They couldn’t even bear to talk about Hildred or what she had found out, not yet. 

But it was alright, even then, because this time it felt like there was a way out of this downward spiral. Out of the darkness. There were at least these three people to help them, and this time, Gable was going to let them.

They laid down their head, and for the first time in ages they didn’t feel like they were running. They were home. They let themselves believe, hope, that maybe everything was going to be okay. Maybe they all deserved this peace, with each other. 

Even if the universe didn’t let them have it, they were ready to fight tooth and nail for it, and in the determined faces of the others, Gable could see that they were too. 

-

Dref had never really known what it was like to be part of a loving family. The lingering marks of his parents, Tiberius, and Olivia were still in his mind and his body both, and it often threatened to overwhelm him. But here was Gable's steady hand to anchor him, and Jonnit’s excited chatter to ground him, and even Travis’ annoying presence to distract him.

He looked at all of them, as they dissolved into a debate about something inconsequential, still tangled up onto each other, and he smiled to himself.

They were his family now, the one Alisdair Youngblood had always dreamed about on particularly lonely nights. He caught Travis’ similar wistful look, before he immediately looked away. But still, Dref could see the smile on his lips.

This family was small, broken and complicated. 

But it was his, and that was all that mattered. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
